“So many times Couples will say the most awful things about their partner.
Once they learn about projections, if they are open to it, the dynamic shifts from blame their partner – to insight about themselves”. Dr. Kerns
Marriage counseling can help to change your relationship patterns into dynamic interactions where your Marriage thrives. Sessions are designed to generate an understanding of the viewpoint of the partner. From this understanding we work together to build the relationship by a blending of the strengths and weaknesses of each partner.
Success is achieved by a consistent working through of issues, each time with the partners taking more responsibility with the tools that they have learned from previous sessions. I have helped many couples, and I can help you.
Dealing with trust, commitment, communication, multicultural issues, and intimacy can challenge any relationship. I would like to help you with your concerns today. I am a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist, and have a Doctorate Degree in Psychology, with an emphasis in Marriage and Family Therapy, from CGI of the Chicago School of Professional Psychology.
Dr. Marie Kerns, PsyD, LMFT
University Tower/UCI adjacent
4199 Campus Drive, Suite 550
Irvine, CA 92612
Most of my couples come into counseling feeling a disconnection from their partner. This may manifest itself as arguing, porn addiction, communication issues, affairs, the silent treatment etc.. So, what’s going on? Why all this distance?
As a therapist, my challenge is to deescalate negative cycles of interacting, while I help to facilitate building a secure attachment. A secure attachment helps to create safety in the relationship.
You may wonder what a negative cycle is and why it occurs. Some negative cycles begin when a couple is transitioning from one phase of life to another. Such as adjusting to parenthood or one partner getting a promotion at work. Many times a job loss brings new problems to the surface.
In any of these circumstances couples begin to blame each other for their problems. The stress of adjustment leads to insecurities. A new way of defining their life and the relationship serves to comfort and contain anxieties if a mutual understanding is developed.
Counseling can help a couple navigate this challenge of redefining their relationship and the adjustment to change. Without an agreement on the definition of their life together misunderstandings can develop.
Misunderstandings can cause conflict, leading to an increase in stress and anxiety. The change in each partners behavior, due to the misunderstanding, then leads to an increase in stress and anxiety, which manifests into further misunderstanding, leading to anger and frustration. The partners in the couple then begin to wonder why they married their partner.
This cycles continues and can be interrupted through counseling.
If you experience Conflict and/or Stress over:
- decision making
- misunderstanding with your partner
- not feeling appreciated
- cybersex addiction
- problems with alcohol
- gambling losses
- lack of restful sleep,
- improper diet,
- the demands of life
- lack of work,
- issues with lack of direction in life,
- anxiety over being overweight
- anxiety over aging issues
- constant arguing and misunderstanding in relationships
- confusion over what decision to make
As stated earlier a secure attachment helps to create safety in the relationship. When each partner feels the emotional support of their mate these life challenges are easier to work through.
Please follow my blog. I will continue to explore how I work with my clients to build a secure bond.
If you would like to make an appointment with me please call 949-285-5199
When a happily married woman comes into my office with complaints of increased sexual fantasies, or possibly even an affair with a man or a woman who is not her partner, how do I conceptualize her issues? How do I help this woman?
I am relieved that as a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist, in the state of California, my job is not to direct her actions or pass judgment. I am here to help her clarify her issues, present her with information, and assist her in developing increased confidence and personal empowerment that will assist her in arriving at the best decisions she is capable of making for herself.
Shellenbarger (2004), the author of The breaking point: how female midlife crisis is transforming today’s women, explains that being overwhelmed by sexual fantasies is an indicator of a mid-life woman entering liminality, which is often displayed by extremes of emotion and behavior. Liminality is defined as that in between place “The structural ‘invisibility’ of the liminal personae has a twofold character. They are at once no longer classified and not yet classified” (Mahdi, 1987, p 5).
Connie Zweig (1997), a Jungian Analyst, asserts that the issues at mid-life are the call of the “Self” to begin an unlived life. She believes the symptoms that many women experience at midlife can be explained as an archetypal shift. Archetypes can be described as predetermined patterns of feeling and thinking that are common to the entire human race (Corneau, 1996). So what is this woman’s archetypal shift? Is she experiencing the loss of her youth? No longer a young woman, yet not one of the elderly, she is lost in the middle.
How will I help this woman who is lost between two worlds? Zweig, (1997) believes it is her shadow that forces mid-life women to face their unlived life with its limited choices, as the ego is destabilized and the sense of identity is shattered. Is this what all of her sexual fantasizing is about? Is she trying to regain her youth, or is this a distraction to avoid looking at her age?
A woman’s shadow includes the parts of herself that are located in the personal unconscious, of which is unaware. Shadow elements are incompatible with the conscious personality and must be integrated to achieve wholeness (Weinrib, 2004).
The goal for this woman who is being overwhelmed by sexual fantasies would be to balance between restraint and exploration, as she tries to integrate these regained passions. Women in this phase can use this increased desire to integrate their new passion in a way that does not destroy the parts of her life that are valuable. Finding a new relationship to her renewed surge of needs and desires is at the core of this liminal phase of transition. This woman would benefit from looking at the object of her desire, exploring this attraction, as a possible projection (Shellenbarger, 2004).
If she continues to operate out of old strategies and attitudes, symptoms may result. The symptoms are a result of a clash between the acquired personality and the demands of the Self and this clash may cause her to wonder who she is. The person she has been, is being replaced by who she is becoming, a normal developmental transition. Psychologically, the old self must die, so the new self may be born. This death rebirth is a passage. In traveling through the Middle Passage one may achieve their potential to earn the wisdom of mature aging (Hollis, 2003). As part of her therapy process, it is important to mourn the death of her youth, and accept the aging process that defines her new identity.
At mid-life, women benefit most from a form of therapy that brings meaning and symbolic value to their life. Mid-life issues are not about fixing problems and relieving symptoms as quickly as possible (Brehony, 1996). Jungian theory offers a mid-life woman a way to discover her purpose, as she enters the second half of life, gaining a deeper awareness of the unconscious forces that have previously blocked her growth.
In this case I would rule out:
1. Relationship Issues by referring her and her partner to a couples counselor .
2. Persistent Genital Arousal Disorder (PGAD) which is a condition that is experienced as extremely distressing, unsolicited genital arousal lasting for hours and sometimes into days without sexual stimulation or desire (Leiblum, 2006).
3. Hypersexuality which is an excessive feeling of sexual desire.
Dr. Kerns is a Skilled Therapist, and Clinical Member of
- AASECT (American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists)
- CASTOC (Couples and Sex Therapist of Orange County).
- CAMFT (California Association of Marriage Family Therapists)
- OCCAMFT (Orange County CAMFT)
Dr. Marie Kerns, Psy.D Licensed Marriage Family Therapist MFC # 50443
University Tower – UCI Adjacent
4199 Campus Drive, Suite 550
Irvine, CA 92612
Couples Counseling can help you and your partner learn to communicate effectively, decrease the reactivity that leads to loud demanding interactions, and eventually increase intimacy?
This is a process that begins when you make that first call.
I’m Dr. Kerns and I am an Experienced Couples Counselor. You may call me now at 949-285-5199 or leave me a text message, and I will get back to you.
I have also had success with Pre-marital counseling, Trust Issues, Sex Therapy, Addiction to Love, Porn, & Sex, and working with Inter-Racial Couples.
I am a Skilled Therapist, and Clinical Member of:
AASECT – American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists
CASTOC – Couples and Sex Therapist of Orange County
CAMFT – California Association of Marriage Family Therapists
OCCAMFT – Orange County CAMFT
You may call me at 949-285-5199 or visit my Website at orangecountycouplescounseling.us
COUPLES COUNSELING is my passion. In this new blog I will be posting helpful information and suggestions that support couples who experience challenges in their relationship.
Please visit orangecountycouplescounseling.us
Or Call 949-285-5199