“So many times Couples will say the most awful things about their partner.
Once they learn about projections, if they are open to it, the dynamic shifts from blame their partner – to insight about themselves”. Dr. Kerns
Most of my couples come into counseling feeling a disconnection from their partner. This may manifest itself as arguing, porn addiction, communication issues, affairs, the silent treatment etc.. So, what’s going on? Why all this distance?
As a therapist, my challenge is to de-escalate negative cycles of interacting, while I help to facilitate building a secure attachment bond. A secure attachment helps to create safety in the relationship. It’s where couples really feel their partner is their anchor in the storm of life.:)
You may wonder what a negative cycle is, and why it occurs. Some negative cycles begin when a couple is transitioning from one phase of life to another. Such as adjusting to parenthood, or one partner getting a promotion at work. Many times a job loss brings new or old problems to the surface.
In any of these circumstances couples begin to blame each other for their problems. The stress of adjustment leads to insecurities. A new way of defining their life and the relationship serves to comfort and contain anxieties if a mutual understanding is developed.
Counseling can help a couple navigate this challenge of redefining their relationship and the adjustment to change. Without an agreement on the definition of their life together misunderstandings can develop.
Misunderstandings can cause conflict, leading to an increase in stress and anxiety. The change in each partners behavior, due to the misunderstanding, then leads to an increase in stress and anxiety, which manifests into further misunderstanding, leading to anger and frustration. The partners in the couple then begin to wonder why they married their partner.
This cycles continues and can be interrupted through counseling.
If you experience Conflict and/or Stress over:
misunderstanding with your partner
not feeling appreciated
problems with alcohol
lack of restful sleep,
the demands of life
lack of work,
issues with lack of direction in life,
anxiety over being overweight
anxiety over aging issues
constant arguing and misunderstanding in relationships
confusion over what decision to make – etc.
As stated earlier a secure attachment helps to create safety in the relationship. When each partner feels the emotional support of their mate, these life challenges are easier to work through.
To learn how you and your partner can be each others Anchor in the Storm of Life please call Dr. Kerns at 949-285-5199.